


Pirates Ho!

by jLynnb



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: International Talk Like A Pirate Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-27
Updated: 2015-02-27
Packaged: 2018-03-15 11:50:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3446090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jLynnb/pseuds/jLynnb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard, Howard and Raj are in search of booty and find more than they can handle, while Sheldon befriends a blonde buccaneer. An AU one-shot, pre-Pilot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pirates Ho!

A/N: This is a very belated entry into Risknight's 'Talk Like a Pirate Day' celebration. Still, better late than never. *Lynn  
...  
For Rene, my North Star, who guides me through self-doubt and second guessing. 

Of course I don't own The Big Bang Theory. I just like to play in their world.  
xTBBTx

Reference to and dialogue from: 'Pilot'

XxX  
"Arr, maties, we've hit the motherload," gushed Howard as he spotted two women in low-cut serving wench costumes enter a corner building. 

Sheldon rolled his eyes. 

"I wish you'd refrain from starting every sentence with 'arr'. Pirate vocabulary is more diverse," he tsked. 

As one Howard, Raj and Leonard turned to Sheldon and gave an enthusiastic "Arr!"

"So what's the plan?" asked Leonard as he adjusted the stuffed parrot on his shoulder.

"We swing in, grab some tankards and spend the night watching booty," said Howard as he rubbed his hands in excitement. 

Sheldon turned to Leonard, eyes narrowed.

"You said we'd be going to an establishment to celebrate 'talk like a pirate day' not crack Jenny's teacup," he growled.

"What?" asked Raj as he opened the door to let his friends in.

"Crack Jenny's teacup. To spend the night in a house of ill repute." 

"Explain to me how that's bad?" snorted Howard before he entered the building followed by Leonard.

"I don't want to go," scowled Sheldon.

"Then don't," Leonard called as he mounted the stairs.

"But you're my ride!" 

Silence.

"Arr dude, are ya going in or not?" said a muscular blonde man with an eye patch and leather biker boots.

Sheldon pursed his lips and adjusted his tri-pointed hat before entering the establishment. As he climbed the stairs he passed several scantily-clad wenches and their pirate beaus.  
"Good Lord everyone has an eye patch," snorted Sheldon. "Is this pirate night or a Three Stooges convention?"

He entered the bar and immediately stood off to the side to insert some earplugs. Once equipped he looked over the crowd for his friends. Fortunately Howard's shiny yellow pirate shirt and red sparkly vest stood out spectacularly and so Sheldon set off. 

"She's kind of cute," said Raj. Howard looked over and shook his head.

"Not drunk enough to make poor decisions. Gentlemen, the night is young," he said encouragingly.

"Nice to see you joined us," Leonard grinned to Sheldon as the latter arrived.

"As my other choice was to stay marooned by your car until your return it's hardly surprising," Sheldon replied. "You ought to be measured for yer chains for hornswaggling me out of a night where I can go on account and revel in all things pirate. Instead I get to witness Wolowitz get bilged on his anchor in his attempts at courtship while Raj wears the grog blossom on his nose from too much drink." 

"Look Sheldon, everyone else here is having a good time playing pirate," sighed Leonard. "Why not just, for once, let things go with the flow?" Sheldon gave him a 'yeah right' look. "Yeah, I don't know what I'm saying either, but just give it a try?"

"Fine." Sheldon glanced around the room in distaste. "But this is a yardarm offence if there ever was one." 

"Why not pretend you're Spock in disguise investigating an alien culture?" offered Raj. 

"Because even Gene Roddenberry, with all of his imagination, couldn't even begin to put together drunken would-be pirates gyrating on a dance floor," Sheldon sniffed.

"Well he did have a bunch of hippies come on the Enterprise."

"Hippies were 'of the time'. Unless we're in the waters of Somalia or near a computer to download our latest torrent we are as far away from the early days of pirating as early Greek theory to modern quantum physics." 

"Fine. We're all playing charades tonight," sighed Leonard. "Let's just get a drink or something instead of standing here like a bunch of nerds at a bar."

"Dude, we are a bunch of nerds at a bar," Raj replied.

"Not me," said Howard as he grinned at a passing woman in cut-off shorts. "Tonight I am 'the Falcon'." 

"How is that a pirate name?" scoffed Leonard as the group started towards the bar.

"Olivier Levasseur was known as La Buse, 'the buzzard', for the speed in which he attacked his targets," offered Sheldon. 

"Still sounds sucky," smirked Raj.

"Now I know why falcons hunt alone," Howard mumbled before his one eye opened wide at the sight of a blonde woman to his right. "Now there's a pleasure chest I'd love to open!"

Sheldon turned—**and in that moment Black Sheldor raised a curious brow at The Falcon as the underling pointed towards a particularly attractive woman with a red kerchief like a skullcap to her head under which long blonde locks fell beyond her shoulders. Her thigh high black boots and cutlass hung off to the side of her red cut-off shorts instantly signalled her authority**—and saw two pirate women conversing in the distance. 

"Actually, while romanticized versions of piracy have them collecting gold and ransoming fair damsels, I'd be a different type of pirate," said Sheldon. "An entrepreneur if you will."  
"I'd do anything for her booty," said Howard.

"I'd go for silks, spices, anything of value for barter and trade," Sheldon continued. "The ships would be less armed than the treasure hordes , thus vulnerable to plunder." 

"I think she's looking at me," Raj gasped.

"No she's not," Leonard scoffed. "Look at her. She's beautiful...and perfect."

"Are you wieners actually checking out my girl?" growled a voice from behind. 

They turned to see a giant of a man with muscles that strained within the confines of his black leather vest. 

"It depends," Sheldon said slowly. "Is she the so-called pirate with the stiletto heeled thigh high boots, red shorts and bandanna?" 

The man's eyes narrowed to deadly slits. 

"Yeah," he snapped. 

"Ah. Then yes," nodded Sheldon. "Howard here was saying how he'd do anything for her booty—" At this Howard whitened even as a goofy grin came to his face. In an instant both he and Raj darted off. 

"Uh, Sheldon, not helping," Leonard whimpered as he backed away from his roommate. 

"What? He asked if we took notice of his girlfriend. I merely answered him. Besides, you said she was beautiful and perfect so it's not like you said anything bad about her," Sheldon shrugged. He glanced over. "Oh look, I think she's coming this way."

Leonard turned to see the blonde woman advance with a frown on her face. Immediately instinct took over and Leonard tapped Sheldon on the arm. 

"Let's go!" Leonard said and scampered away. 

"But we're in the middle of a parlay," said Sheldon. He turned to go but the man put a meaty hand on his arm. 

"You're not going anywhere, maggot," he said.

"Unhand me, sir!" 

"Hey, what's up?" asked the blonde woman as she looked between both men. 

"This landlubber is apparently imposing a black spot on my person," said Sheldon as he warily eyed the huge man.

"I'm sorry?"

" This son of a biscuit eater is intimating I have a date with Davy Jones' Locker." Sheldon took in her puzzled expression. "He's being mean." 

"Damn it, Kurt, I told you not to do this," she snapped. Immediately Kurt released the physicist. "You're always an ass when you drink." 

"But Pen, they were looking at you," countered Kurt.

"So let them look! It's a free country," Penny growled. 

"Like hell anyone's going to ogle my girl."

"Listen here, bub," Penny said as she stepped near and put a finger to Kurt's six-pack abs. "First of all, I am your ex girlfriend. Second, you ever treat me like property again and we're gonna have issues. Got it?"

"Shiver me timbers, you're a right freebooter," Sheldon said, surprised at her spunk.

Kurt blanched. "Look, you've got this all wrong. I was defending you."

"You were ready to feed the fishes with me," said Sheldon. 

"Shut up you pencil-necked geek!" 

"Scallywag," scowled Sheldon.

"Kurt, get lost!" snapped Penny.

"Fine," Kurt snarled. "Have lover-boy here. Plenty of other blondes to fuck." 

As one Penny and Kurt turned and stormed off in opposite directions. 

A moment later Leonard returned.

"Thank God you're still alive," he said in a relieved tone to his roommate. 

"Nice to see you 'had my back, Jack,'" replied Sheldon with a glare. 

"Come on, let's find Howard and Raj and get out of here."

As Sheldon followed Leonard through the crowd he thought over the interaction between 'Pen' and 'Kurt'. There was no doubt Kurt was ready to hospitalize Sheldon until this five foot six blonde firecracker basically took the gargantuan by the metaphorical testicles and brought him to his knees. Pen was a roller coaster of emotions and her face, animated and expressive. Sheldon had no idea what to make of her. All he knew was that she was a force beyond his ken. 

"This is fruitless," said Sheldon as he scanned the floor. "Let's split up and meet at the door in fifteen minutes." Leonard nodded and departed. 

Sheldon made his way along the dance floor to see if his friends were wedged along the side being shot off of geek mountain by a female. Why the guys spent so much time on mating when there were more important things to occupy one's time like physics and trains was beyond him. 

In the corner was a set of steps. Sheldon glanced up the stairs and while there was a door it wasn't an emergency exit and so he ascended. He stepped out onto the roof where other patrons were gathered in small groups smoking tobacco and pot and otherwise conversing. With a wrinkled nose Sheldon made to leave when he saw a familiar blonde pirate standing by herself looking out onto the city.

Before he knew what he was doing Sheldon crossed the rooftop until he came up to Penny. She turned to him and gave a wan smile.

"Hey," she said before sniffling. 

"Ahoy matey," replied Sheldon. "I wanted to thank you for saving my booty from being scuttled." 

"No problem." She turned back to the city. Sheldon stood beside her. "Why do I pick these giant losers?"

"I'm unsure of the context."

"Kurt." Again Penny sniffled." I spent four years with him." She wiped below her eye with the edge of her palm. "I really loved him." 

"And I gather from your conversation that you are no longer pair bonded."

"Yeah. He cheated on me. Now I'm stuck living with him until I can find a place of my own." She gave a heavy sigh. "This wasn't supposed to happen this way, y'know?"

"You should be like Anne Bonny," Sheldon said as he gazed at the cityscape.

"Who's that?"

"An icon of The Golden Age of Piracy circa sixteen fifties to the seventeen thirties. She took up with Calico Jack Rackham, first as his lover, then as his first mate of the ship Revenge. Her last words to him after being caught by English forces and sentenced to die were 'Sorry to see you there, but if you'd fought like a man, you would not have been hang'd like a Dog.'"

"You really think I'm that tough?" Penny asked.

"I think you're the captain of your own destiny," Sheldon said seriously.

"Huh. Well they say Sagittarius are the Eternal Wanderers of the Zodiac."

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "That's complete hokum."

"'Hokum'?" smiled Penny. "How is that pirate?"

"Point," conceded Sheldon. "That's a complete dungbie."

"What's that?"

"Rear end." Penny laughed. "If you're going to follow the stars at least be practical."

"What do you mean?"

"There's Ursa Major," Sheldon said as he pointed to a particular group of stars. 

"You mean the Big Dipper."

"If you prefer," agreed Sheldon. "And if you go straight up from the two stars forming the outer edge of your 'Dipper' you'll find Polaris, or the North Star. It sits directly over the North Pole and is critical to navigation whether on land or at sea as its apparent position seems fixed." 

"Is it?"

"No. Its identity as the Pole Star will change over time because the celestial poles exhibit a slow continuous drift through the star field. The primary reason for this is the precession of the Earth's rotational axis." 

A smirk came to Penny's face. "What's your sign?"

"Taurus."

"Yeah, I'll say," she said warmly.

Sheldon's mouth twitched. "It's right there if you're interested." 

Penny stared at where he pointed at the constellation before turning to regard the man himself and—**listened to Sheldor on the ship's deck with his telescope as he mapped out the stars. 

**"Why are you pirating?" she asked. "You should be at the Royal Society."

**He snorted. "My father was a dock worker."

**"Ah."

**"You think that social positioning means intelligence?" Sheldor's face twitched at her response. "Can your Kurt guide a ship by the stars or calculate the earth's position in the heavens?" She shook her head, no. "And yet I'm to consider him my superior?"**

Blue eyes met green.

"You know all about this stuff, don't you," said Penny. It wasn't a question. 

"I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the universe." 

Penny gave a shy smirk. "I'm just a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory." 

"You might be a waitress but after seeing you handle that Neanderthal I know you aren't 'just' anything by any stretch of the imagination," Sheldon replied. 

"Thanks," she smiled. "I'm Penny. "

"Sheldon." They shook hands. 

"So, wanna go bucklesquash some landlubbers and wash down our barnacles with a little piss water?" she grinned even as she gave him a wink.

"Good Lord, Penny," Sheldon gasped. Penny tucked her arm through his and they began to walk. "I suppose I should prepare myself to be gunwalled." 

"If that means staggering your way out of here tonight, you're correct." 

"Way, aye, blow the man down," he sang. 

Penny laughed even as Sheldon gave a slight smile. 

XxX

Leonard chuckled as Sheldon and he mounted the stairs.

"Is that why you were sent to boarding school?" he asked.

"No, that had to do with my work with lasers," Sheldon replied.

Both men came to a grinding halt as they got to their floor as they noted the door across the hall was open, revealing a bunch of boxes and—

"New neighbor?" Leonard said, his eyes wide.

"Evidently," Sheldon replied evenly as he took in her blonde hair, jean shorts and baby blue top. 

The woman noted the pair in the hall and came to her door. 

"Hi Sheldon," she said amiably in her Mid-Western accent. "Thanks for recommending the apartment. I love it!"

"You know each other?" gasped Leonard.

"Sure do. He set me straight and suggested this place before we got right and properly shit-faced."

Leonard didn't know what to say.

"You must be hungry," said Sheldon. "We have some Indian food, if you'd like to join us?"

Penny smiled, taking his breath. 

He smiled back all the same. 

xTBBTx

Pirate info: mentalflosscomarticle588899-female-pirates-you-should-know

Wikipedia: Pole Stars


End file.
